How to make an application for an Academic Job as well as Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Keep an eye out for job postings when you look at the places that are usual the Chronicle of advanced schooling, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden when you look at the Vatican library. Pay particular attention to jobs located close to the Tigris and Euphrates rivers into the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads printed in Sumerian cuneiform is going in the “definitely apply” pile. Same goes for any job that provides to pay you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. If you’re not certain that a job is right for you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name associated with the school 666 times. If the mirror starts to bleed, you’re definitely from the right track.

  • outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a newly-slaughtered ram
  • place the finished document in an envelope, and then place the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, that you simply should bury beneath the search committee chair’s office
  • be sure to include graduate transcripts, an writing that is academic, and a mummified goat fetus to make the job really be noticeable
  • List most of the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you’d be happy to sacrifice in order to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it would likely concern,” throw it into the Dead Sea, and obtain willing to have fun with the game that is waiting.

    Wake up every and check the Academic Jobs Wiki morning. Then check to see in case your bathtub is filled up with blood. If it is, congratulations! This means the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Utilising the Babylonian urn you buried underneath the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld to this plane of existence, he has infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you will definitely watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a circle that is perfect which is a sign that you have been offered a job interview (you will also receive an email concerning this). Okay, it is time to get excited! Pack your bags! (With a large crucifix and several copper daggers!)

    Take a seat with the search committee.

    Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an dialect that is unknown. This may be the consequence of either demonic possession or a rejected application that is sabbatical. You need to be sure. Show the chair the large crucifix and copper daggers you brought to you. If he takes among the daggers and carves the words “Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll understand that Pazuzu is certainly going to make the remainder committee to engage you. If he attempts to stab you with all the dagger, he may need more persuading. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it is a secular school try yelling something about the power of innovation instead). At this time, Pazuzu will either help you get the work or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous smoke that is black. Regardless, you ought to thank the committee due to their time, go back home, and wait for the job offer/writ of excommunication to arrive in your inbox.

    You’ll have five years to write a novel, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and take a seat on an endless procession of committees, all while attempting to pay off your student loans and keep the illusion of an individual life. Sorry, but even an ancient demon like Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest looking for a source that is truly malevolent of instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.

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